Grieving

  As I went to Marshall's funeral yesterday, I had so many emotions going through me.  I cried so much, and I couldn't stop thinking of the loss I have had, and the scars that are on my side and middle.  I then felt anger at myself for being so selfish in such a time of need, in a time when my own sister was probably feeling a lot worse.  I then felt like I wanted to comfort her, but awkward because I didn't know what else to say other than I love you.  As I have reflected on this, giving and receiving comfort, I have realized that some people just don't understand how to comfort the right way, so in their effort to comfort, they make things worse.

Let me explain... there is a time when you don't want to hear things from people to "fix" your sadness.  I didn't want to be one of those people that would say something insensitive like "I know how you feel," or "I had someone who went through the same thing."  Maybe I can help explain why these things are not good to say.

First of all, you don't know how they feel.  There is only One who does, and that is the Savior.  Even if you went through the exact same thing, you are in a different stage of the healing process, and so you shouldn't try to relate to the person.  Just say you are sorry, and cry with them.  I think that is what the Savior would do.

If you know someone who went through the same thing, although their story might be inspiring, the best time to share those stories may not be two weeks or even a year after something traumatic has happened.  Wait for them to ask for it.  Or wait for the spirit to guide you to share something, because otherwise, it is just human nature to want to "fix" people when they are sad.  The truth is, that if people try to suppress their sadness to quickly, it will just build up over the years and explode.  Trust me, you are not doing them a favor by trying to make their tears stop by telling them about your mom's best friends husband's workout partners wife that got over something similar.  However, if the spirit guides you to make a meal, or leave some bread with a scripture, or even just share a simple scripture with this person, follow it.

Grieving never goes completely away.  I talked to many ladies yesterday that had miscarriages and other hard things happen to them, and through my sister's experience, they were reminded of the pain they had.  Even I was reminded of my husband's sisters funeral, and how I never imagined this would be my family one year later.

There will always be something that reminds us of the trauma we have experienced, so please don't try to fix us, just love us.  Just cry with us.  My scars might be with me for the rest of my life, and they will always be a reminder of a baby that I lost, but don't worry.  Even though I will cry when I hear a certain song, or hear someone say something, or see an animal struggling to learn to do something, etc, just know that crying does not mean I am without hope.  Weeping is a godly characteristic when it is crying for your loved ones.  Jesus wept many times for the ones that he loved, and he prayed to the Father for them, even if he knew they were okay.   I have hope in the atonement, and I know that the Lord's promises are sure.  I thought of soul surfer...there were some people in this movie who I felt like the comforted really well.  I think they were guided to say what they did.  Learning to mourn with those that mourn is not easy, but it will open up your spirit to be more understanding.  I love the gospel.  My family can be eternal because of the Savior.  What an incredible promise.